THE WAR: a review

By John R.
So I watched pretty much all of the new PBS documentary THE WAR these past weeks. This is a big long ass doc about that one war a while ago where we fought Germany and then China or something. I don't remember. It was a wee bit slow at times but was pretty awesome. Especially the part where the soldier is about to be beheaded by his Japanese captor and says that if he beheads him his spirit will enter his body and haunt him until the day he dies and the Japanese guy gets all scared and doesn't do it. NEWSFLASH! We could have won that part of the war with a few sheets thrown over our solders pretending to be ghosts coming towards them. Anyways the guy who made The War.....








KEN BURNS.....


















.... apparently got a lot of flack from the Latino community for not having any Latinos in it after it was done. So in return Ken Burns.....






















....added some stuff about Latinos to the end of some of the episodes. It pretty much screwed up the narrative and didn't fit in with it at all. When I first heard he was going to make changes all I could imagine was Ken Burns getting totally pissy about having to change his documentary and throwing a hissy fit like "OKFINE! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!!!???" and retitled it "The MEXICAN war" and played mariachi music throughout it. I also imagine whenever Keith David.....















.....was in the sound booth doing voice overs Ken kept interrupting him like "Don't forget to say all this in Spanish tooooo Keith! We don't want to OFFEND anybooooody!" in a fruity sing-songy Ken Burns voice. Then Keith goes back to talking and you just hear Ken in the background making crunching noises then yelling "OH SORRY AM I EATING TACOS TOO LOUD?" then finally Ken drinks too much tequila and just starts playing the violin in the backgound getting closer and closer until his head is touching Keith David's head and starts pushing him out of the way of the mic until we hear a struggle between the two then no music or no narration for the rest of the series.

What a pair!

LOOK AT THEM!!!!

Keith David was in THEY LIVE with Rowdy "Roddy" Piper for christ's sake!

and Ken burns.... (sound of needle scratching off record)

Holy crap look at this picture of Ken Burns I just found!!!!He's throwing a baseball and WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAYS "BASEBALL"

I also bet when he threw that he said "BASEBALL!"

Think about Keith David and Ken Burns hanging out together after work at the bar. I imagine Ken Burns sitting there sipping a margarita the size of his head and constantly going "Yeaaaaaah Keith David, MY MAN!" and making Keith David hi-five him while Keith looks annoyed into his scotch on the rocks wondering if it's going to be yet another night where Ken has 1 1/2 drinks then ends up shitting on the bar.
THE END

P.S. I know that was Ernie Hudson in Ghostbusters and not Keith David.
P.P.S. The alley from that fight scene in They Live is in downtown LA off Seventh St. I found it a couple years ago and immediately recognized it. That's better than any celebrity sighting around town.
P.P.P.S. I totally wish Ken Burns was a pyromaniac who went around all creepy saying "Ken Burns.....trees" then sets a forest on fire. "Ken Burns....houses" "Ken Burns....people" etc.