NOT HAPPY with the way Ken Burns looks.

Posted by: Usher John R.

I'm a big fan of Ken Burns' documentaries. I get them all the time from Netflix. I really liked the Lewis & Clark one which I might have to watch once a year from now on. You know, make a day out of celebrating one group's difficult journey into unknown land while sitting on my couch eating all day like a big nerdy slob. In Sept there is a new series he made coming out about WWII (Woo hoo!) so I decided to look it up online and see when it starts. I found out when it starts all right...


and a lot more...


I found out what Ken Burns looks like. I always had a specific image in my mind of what Ken Burns looks like. Then I found out....







what he really looks like...

IS THIS:

Now Ken Burns if you're reading this do not take offense but I am not happy with how you look. I imagined you to be an elderly man smoking a pipe with a white beard, white hair, and wearing a tweed jacket with patches on the elbows. NOT a weird nerdy Kermit The Frog turned into a man with a toupe and a little facial hair. Ok maybe that is your real hair. If it's not they really screwed up in the muppet factory hair dept. Also you look too nice a person. Like if you read this you wouldn't even be angry, you'd just pull out a guitar and sing me a song about accepting people for who they are. History experts are supposed to be mean. History experts are supposed to give people facts and then tell them to go to hell.

I really haven't been this dissapointed with someone's appearance since I was a kid and we always listened to the Garrison Keillor's "Prarie Home Companion" tapes on long car rides and I imaged Garrison to look kind of like Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties. Nope. Garrison Keillor really looks like this:

"It was a quiet week in Lake Wobegon because I FUCKING ATE EVERYONE"

I don't know how much more of this I can take. So please Ken Burns, I highly encourage you to get really old, grow a fuller beard, get gray hair, and stop fucking smiling.

K THX BAI!!!!

p.s. When you scrolled down to reveal Ken Burn's picture I really wanted somehow for it to go "BLEAAAAH!!!" and get all scary like Large Marge did in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Then I wanted the Garrison Keillor picture to actually pop out of your computer screen and lick your face then have his eyes haunt you in your dreams.